Thanks to Lily Allen’s West End Girl, infidelity has once again entered the discourse. Seemingly detailing the demise of her four-year marriage to Stranger Things star David Harbour and including multiple references to cheating and affairs, the artist’s new album quickly generated buzz when it dropped late last month. But this celebrity cheating scandal has an interesting twist in that the lyrics seem to suggest these alleged indiscretions took place within a non-monogamous relationship.

“We had an arrangement / Be discreet and don't be blatant / There had to be payment / It had to be with strangers,” Lily sings on “Madeline,” one of the most talked-about tracks from the album. “How long has it been going on? Is it just sex or is there emotion? / He told me it would stay in hotel rooms, never be out in the open.”

Naturally, much of the conversation surrounding the splashy new album has centered on the singer’s presumably “open marriage,” prompting some to wonder whether you can really cheat in a non-monogamous relationship (yes, you can) and others to claim open relationships inevitably breed infidelity (no, they don’t).

But while the exact nature of the artist’s real-life marriage and divorce (the details of which she has reportedly “been prevented from discussing specifically”), remain unclear, I’d argue that the non-monogamous dynamic described in West End Girl may more accurately be called a “monogamish” arrangement. Here’s what that means—and how it’s different from an open relationship.

What Does “Monogamish” Mean?

First coined by legendary sex columnist Dan Savage, “monogamish” refers to a relationship style wherein mostly monogamous couples choose to have extra-relational sexual experiences, often sparingly and with strict boundaries that only allow for non-monogamous activity under very specific circumstances. Monogamish couples are typically emotionally and romantically exclusive, but sexually open to a certain degree.

“Monogamish relationships are characterized by a lot of monogamous norms—especially romantic and emotional exclusivity—with some flexibility.” explains Joli Hamilton, PhD, a qualitative researcher and coach who focuses on non-monogamy.

In the case of the relationship Lily Allen sings about on West End Girl, the lyrics suggest a monogamish arrangement in which sex outside the marriage was only okay if it was paid sex with strangers in hotel rooms and didn’t involve any kind of emotional connection. Meanwhile, other lyrics such as, “I can’t trust anything that comes out of your mouth / I'm not convinced that he didn’t fuck you in our house,” seem to suggest that those boundaries were violated—hence how infidelity can still occur within non-monogamy.

Monogamish vs. Open Relationships: What’s the Difference?

“Non-monogamy” is an umbrella term encompassing a wide variety of different relationship styles—including open relationships, various types of polyamory, and more. Monogamish is a specific type of open or non-monogamous relationship wherein primary partners have room to explore sexually, usually under limited circumstances.

In contrast, full-on open relationships often involve broader sexual exploration and may allow for emotional and romantic connections outside the primary partnership, as there is more emphasis on autonomy. While Hamilton says some monogamish couples may still choose to use the “open relationship” label, a “monogamish” dynamic is often primarily attractive to those who consider themselves more monogamous than not and want to maintain that appearance.

“Many monogamish folks are dipping a toe in non-monogamy,” says sex therapist Moushumi Ghose. “They are not ready to call themselves polyamorous or to embrace a full-on open relationship lifestyle.”

Essentially, monogamish dynamics are often thought of as a kind of Diet Non-Monogamy—an entry-level option that allows a couple to explore sexually while still largely maintaining their monogamous identity...and the safety net that comes with it. As such, it may be seen as a “safer” alternative to full-blown non-monogamy, one that lets a couple have some sexual freedom without fully committing to the complexities of ethical non-monogamy and the potentially risky emotional territory that comes with it. But is it?

Is a Monogamish Relationship Really “Safer” Than an Open One?

While a monogamish relationship may seem less risky than more sexually and romantically open ones, there’s a case to be made that the more rigid boundaries that tend to come with these dynamics may actually leave them more vulnerable to infidelity.

For one thing, more rules = more opportunities to break those rules. Moreover, as mentioned above, monogamish dynamics tend to be most attractive to those who primarily identify as monogamous and want to remain that way, while enjoying the sexual benefits of non-monogamy. This can translate to someone who is ultimately unwilling to assume the risks and responsibilities that come with non-monogamy and unprepared to deal with issues when they arise. It can also translate to one partner who isn’t actually interested in non-monogamy but wants to appease their partner’s desires for sex outside the relationship (as seems to be the case re: West End Girl). This creates a one-sided dynamic wherein half of the couple is essentially looking the other way, which is bound to lead to feelings of resentment and betrayal.

To be clear, a monogamish relationship certainly can work for some couples. But for those who pursue it as a compromise or perceived “safe zone” that allows them to reap the benefits of non-monogamy while avoiding the risks, going monogamish may actually pose the exact threat they’re trying to dodge.

What Does a Monogamish Lifestyle Look Like in Practice?

Partners in a practicing monogamish couple are open to sex outside of their primary relationship, but only in certain contexts. “It usually looks like a two-person committed romantic partnership that is hierarchical, but this couple has some level of poly-sexuality, meaning they may play with others from time to time,” explains licensed MFT and sex therapist Nicoletta Heidegger, host of the Sluts & Scholars podcast.

Swinging

Monogamish couples may also identify as swingers or engage in swinging behaviors. Swinging is a form of partner swapping wherein couples will switch with one another for sex. This usually happens in the context of a swinger’s party, event, or meetup through an app.

Threesomes, foursomes, etc.

Monogamish couples are often open to playing together in a group sex setting, wherein they invite a third (or fourth, etc.) to join them.

Sex parties

Sex parties are designed specifically for curious folks to explore their sexuality in a group setting. Some monogamish couples may play with others (together or separately), but only in the context of a play party.

Contextual openness

While many monogamish couples only explore sex outside of their relationship together as a unit, Heidegger says that these couples may also have an agreement that allows for play with others under specific circumstances, such as while one partner is out of town or not present.

How to Know If a Monogamish Relationship Style Is Right for You

Again, while a monogamish dynamic may be risky for those who aren’t actually sure they want non-monogamy, it can very well work for some couples. Heidegger says a monogamish relationship might be a fit if you:

• You have sexual desires for other people that you’d like to act on
• You want sexual variety and creativity
• You have done some inner work and exploration to help you gain some insight about your desires
• Your partner also wants these things (and doesn’t feel pressured into simply going along with it)

Hamilton says you have to be ready to communicate, as both partners need to be 100 percent on the same page: “Monogamish can work for people who are able to create a sense of safety through making clear, explicit agreements with their partner.” Meaning, you need to feel comfortable and ready to have some potentially difficult conversations to navigate this new territory.

5 Tips for a Successful Monogamish Relationship

1. Get clear on definitions

Monogamish can mean something different to everyone, so step one is ensure you and your partner are aligned re: what you imagine this relationship will look like. “Don’t assume you’re just on the same page–get into the messy end of the conversation pool before you take actions beyond your current partnership,” Hamilton says.

2. Read all the material you can find

Learning about open relationships is key to figuring out if you actually want to have one. It may be especially beneficial to do this research with your partner. Heidegger suggests adding Open Deeply, Opening Up, Polysecure, Polywise, and Polyamory Paradox to your Amazon cart.

3. Fantasize before you actualize

Imagining what it might be like to play with a third, go to a sex party, etc. can help to identify how you might feel about opening up in real life. Just remember that if you do bring real people into your bedroom, they are not props or playthings, says Hamilton. They deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

While less fun, Ghose also recommends thinking about the ways things may go wrong. Partners should evaluate and discuss the risks and potential worst-case scenarios and agree on how they will handle those issues before they make a concrete plan to open up.

4. Set short-term agreements

Set up an agreement with explicit boundaries, but treat it as a temporary arrangement. “Initial relationship agreements work best when they are treated as experiments,” Hamilton says. Have sit down check-ins on a regular basis to make sure everyone is feeling safe, secure, and confident. Be willing to adjust the agreement, as needed.

5. Hire a sex and/or couples therapist

Having a moderator to help you on your journey can be hugely beneficial when you’re exploring opening up. Heidegger says to be on the lookout for someone who specializes in non-monogamy. As you work through your insecurities and attachment traumas, you can “gain tools and resources for managing and working through difficult feelings,” she says.